MEET BOBBY. He is in a HUGE state of confusion. Two weeks ago everything was perfect. He found the girl of his dreams. Her name is Julie. He made the commitment. They planned to get married. Then she dumped him. WHY? Bobby has been trying to figure that out but his male dominant brain isn’t much help. The only thing he has figured out about women is that they’re female. Yep, he’s like most guys. Everything he learned about women he learned from other men. Other men who are just as clueless, handing down the same lack of expertise generation after generation. In his case, Bobby was tutored by the five chauvinists below.
has retired from the Army after being decorated four times for bravery. He is still active he just fights a different battle. The battle of the sexes. He believes, "If you want to win the battle you need to lose a couple of fights." He hasn’t won one yet. The Colonel is the proud father of five girls - proving irony exists.
is a foreign exchange student studying philosophy. He spends his mornings along the shores of Lake Loretta musing over how women relate to "abstract fatalism", i.e. the study of how all great lessons in life reflect some facet of death. He prides himself in understanding everything about women. His answers, however, are so cryptic he is unable to communicate them.
He had his heart broken once and has been cutting a swath of testosterone through womanhood ever since. Fortunately for him he has an animal instinct that draws women to him like a ten-cent sale at Neiman’s. This allows him to keep his heart out of the picture which intrigues these women even more. Fast Eddie says, "I call these babe D.P.’s. Doormat Phenomenon’s. For some twisted reason they like to be treated like doormats so I never hesitate to introduce ‘em to the sidewalk. Nice guys don’t turn them on so they obsess over a bad boy like me. They hate what’s good for ‘em and love what they should hate so I just give them what they love. Something to hate. Works like a charm." Fast Eddie is an endangered species.
OLD MR. LINGER
Resides at "Lapping Shores," a retirement home nestled among the three-story maples on the west bank of Lake Loretta. Every afternoon at two o’clock the management lets him stroll out onto the dock to fish for a few hours. His infectious laugh can be heard echoing over the lake until sunset. Most people think him to be a little daft since there are no fish in Lake Loretta. Others reckon he just has a great sense of humor.
Grew up fatherless in the Bronx – having retreated to Lake Loretta with his mother and two sisters after a series of fights protecting their honor. He is a peaceful, sensitive man. His whole life is dedicated to taking care of women. He loves women. He just can’t figure them out. This may be because he barely has a high school education, having forfeited it be the bread winner. To his credit Ronnie tries to be sensitive. It’s just a shame he can’t spell it.
National News Report